so im doing ok. im day 3 now and eating nothing... although i have felt like eating everything but its a nice feeling co i fell in control... 29 days to L.V and im looking forwrd to it. Sold my little Clio car and got my spending money now. Washed the big car this morning and had a sunbed all to keep my mind off eating. Lost it tho...my tempers just sky high and i struggle to control it. 
The dog just kept running down the road and i lost it... so i just made myself a highlight cup of hot choc. 40 kcal. not disappointend i just need to calm down.
ended in a row with FELLA and i but ive managed to sort it out with him. We argue ALLTHE TIME everyday.. like yesterday, he just cud not take a joke and its so frustrating. I hate it. I always feel like its my fault, like its me with the problem. He makes me and has this way of making like he is the victim and i cant put my feelings on to him, i take all his on but the minute im struggling... he dont care and isnt going to worry about my probs... never mind, he is male after all!!!!

I hope im going to find this weekend easier... i usually really struggle but i have done two pound over night again...

yaye!

Today i have been busy, i got up, weighing 3lb less and feeling good that im finally gaining control. i took a sleeping tablet last night as the insomnia has just been wrecking me. So i got up and my solicitor called saying not guilty plea will be put in for my driving with no insurance apperance... coz i honecstly thought i had insurance and i would never drive putting my daugther and partner at risk... so that was ik, then i opened my V day card and again... LOTS OF LOVE... FELLA ...XXXX great again... nothing written from the heart, took myself for a sunbed just to get out and drive my lovely X5... got my daugther back from her dads and went to the park wiv her and the dog...

I FROZE!!!  i dont know if anyone else does but im ALWAYS cold... indoors in bed and anywhere... cold cold cold... bn doctors and got signed off work for two weeks ... but then the courts phoned and said i had to attend to give evidence even though im not very well... ill try my best, (its evidence on a man who fell in front of a train) so gotta get up early and go court tomo... the only good thing is that ill be out of the house again all day so food will not be an issue... then the BRATS are over tomo  night and after having to re live the day i saw some ones body all over two platforms and all over a mile stretch of train track i dont really want the BRATS around me... plse all cross your fingers for me that they will not be coming!!!!!!!!!

So i have just got home after trying to sell my other lil car and im instantly feeling lonely and like i want to eat and purge!!! its scary how i can go for it, 5 minutes of constant eating then just throw it up , all coz im lonely!!!

I just gotta be strong! get some strength girlie and do it!!!!

31 DAYS TILL LAS VAGAS..... I WANT TO LOOSE POUND A DAY AND NOT EAT FOR 31 DAYS!!!1 I DONE IT ALL OF JANUARY... YOU CAN DO IT.... ONE DAY DOWN 30 TO GO!!!!

So the weekend was ok, i did not sleep at all and I managed to get my new BMW X5... made me happy, however, im struggling beyond belief to get the courage and the strength to continue not eating and it all started the minute i got money in the bank and i started making myself. It all got worse wen My fella started clocking onto noteating and started doing the same... i used to get so much pleasure out of watching them eat and i had self control... its all gone wrong and i just need help... can anyone help me... motivate me... plse girls im failing and i just want to be succeed at one thing... just one and this im failing at.

IM SUCH A LOOSER!!!!

So... im messed up. I had a physical fight with my fella, i just lost it he was horrible, my blood pressure is thru the roof and im stressed out to the nines!!!!
i bn signed off work for a week coz im just close to breaking down. i hate myself. Im in desperate need of sorting myself out. 
I cant get in on the community i want to and i just feel so alone. I dont have my little girl this weekend and its meant to be mine and my fella's weekend together but his daugther isnt going to her mums and he is going out on the p*ss with the boys... hold on.... i havent seen my friends... ANY of them for like over a year and I get a saturday off with no little un and im baby sitting his daugther.... SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT HERE!!! HE HAS NOT EVEN ASKED ME IF IM OK WITH THAT... and he wonders why we are fighting... im so run down, im so hating myself and i wanted so badly just to see myself bleed, but i couldnt do it... so therpy has worked!!!! only thing i can keep doing is starving myself... it feels better, but im just struggling even to achieve that and by lunch time im eating taost anf peanut butter and then throwing it all up.
Drs put me on some tablets to calm my nerves and i COULD not sleep last night, i have had about an hour sleep and im like a zombie... im shaking and i feel .... numb.

so yesterday i had the massive - ist binge and sick, like marmite on toast and some cheese and i just kept being sick and i thought... what are you doing??? 
so i spent the whole day decorating my girls bedroom and got the whole thing done. it felt so much better being able to just do something constructive as supposed to feeling sory for my self and today... great success i lost that bitch of a pound i been watin for... YAYE. 
So im kinda ok today.
I want to see more off, much more as I want to be skinny this time, not curvy, but skinny. 

So.. ill crack on and ill stop binging bcoz if im honest ... it hurts, i feel cleaner when im not eating!!!

he has decided to have some dinner tonight finally so makes me feel better.... 

keep it up chick... you can do it!!!!

sitting here thinking... i could binge, make myself sick... but you know what ill wake up tomo and feel SHIT when icould have just had that feeling of i done all i could to get that extra pound off...


So here is the truth.... January 1st 2008 - I weighed 14.2 stone... i have no idea what kinda pounds that is.... but its alot, i couldnot wear anything nice I was miserable and enjoying eating everything i possibly could get into my stomach. So new year something just clicked and i thought, if i cant eat everything i dont want to eat anything and here i am at the end of the month nearly 2 stone lighter and no in a healthy weight band... but i want more, i can grab fat still and my stomach 9 which is a mess from having a baby anyway) just hangs over everything... 

MY GOAL - 

9ST. so three more to go... can i do it??? i dont know, i hope so coz it would be amazing. am i going to loose my life because of it, my fella and his family well... i hardly soeak to any friends anymore so what difference will it make, this is for me, to o longer be, the fat one!!!!!!!!!